What Parents Should Avoid Telling To Their Kids

What Parents Should Never Say To Their Kids: 10 Blind Spots To Avoid

Here is a list of 10 brown M&M phrases, beliefs and behaviors to avoid in family communications. Each one is a potential blind spot because you rarely receive feedback in time to avoid the consequences of poorly communicating.

These are all toxic and considered poisonous.

1. I know exactly what you mean
2. When I was at your age
3. If I were you
4. If you’d only listen
5. I’m doing this for your own good
6. When you’re a parent you can
7. What’s wrong with you
8. Why can’t you
9. Trying to be liked
10. Seeking agreement

I know exactly what you mean:

Your teenager explains how difficult transitioning into high school has been and you comment, “I know exactly what you mean.” No you don’t. The circumstances are different, you are different and you’ve just judged your child and thrown up a barrier hindering any trust development.

How does claiming you know what your child is experiencing going to help your child? Instead of building yourself up with a self-centered statement, try to understand your child. Ask questions, listen, and be present.

When I was your age:

What does it matter? The story line is not the same. Unless your child wants to know about life during the days of antiquity as they date-stamp life, don’t use your experience as a leveraging tool. When I was your age is another way of saying, “I know better, my experiences were tougher, and you should listen to me.”

If I were you:

You are not them so don’t try. That is judging. If you are asked for your opinion, that’s fine, but offering your opinion where none is requested is seeking agreement and manipulative as a parent. There is a time, a place, and a method for delivering your history. The time and place is when it is invited, the method is neutrality.

If you’d only listen:

Parents who repeatedly use this line are in desperate need of help. You are practicing parenting within The Me Pyramid. However, parenting from The You Pyramid will alter your outcome. If you practice listening first, you will change the tenor of the discussion. Your children do not usually want your opinion because it is in mass supply. This is Econ 101.

Preaching and forcing your opinion on your children is not a healthy way to communicate

I’m doing this for your own good:

This is another way of saying, “I’ve lost control. You don’t trust and respect me so I’m going to force my way upon you.” This is seeking agreement. What’s good for the child is having an environment where trust and respect are garnered and teaching trumps telling. In a teaching environment, children will make good decisions and can govern themselves.

When you’re a parent you can:

Parent the way you want. What teenager hasn’t said to themselves: “When I’m a parent, I’m not going to act like my mom or dad?” Sadly, they have no other examples or mentors from which to learn, so they perpetuate the bad habits into the next generation. This is pain avoidance and it is the path of least resistance. There is no learning and it doesn’t help the situation.

Why can’t you:

It is often said that there are no bad questions. Rubbish! This is a bad question. Why, used in this context, is a judgment. “Why can’t you do your homework?” or “Why can’t you be like your sister?” These are harmful and degrading questions of rhetoric that leave your child with no escape. Judging questions set your child up for failure.

Trying to be liked

When you parent from a position of trying to be your child’s friend, your first priority is to be liked. This is manipulative and persuasive. You abdicate your role as a parent when affirmation trumps boundaries and learning. You are avoiding the pain of parenting and will ultimately suffer the consequences of your child’s actions. What your child really wants is a parent who trusts and respects them, not an over-aged peer.

Seeking agreement:

The primary purpose of communicating is to seek understanding. When you tell your child what to do, especially as they enter the teenage years, you’ve established a bad habit of seeking agreement. The best space in parenting is teaching, where you delegate thinking to your child. You can’t delegate thinking when your opinions are in huge supply.

When you ask good questions, your child can make good decisions and this allows sound principles to guide their behavior instead of your opinions and diatribes trying to convince them you are right. Trust in Parenting ™ not only provides the knowledge on how to change your communication blueprint, but we also teach you the skills. All you need to provide is the desire.

Richard Himmer is a Family and Financial Coach in Gig Harbor, WA. The family is the cornerstone of our society. When a family breaks apart, the ripple effect permeates immediate and extended family, all friends, and society as a whole. Likewise, when a family functioning with parents who understand and live their roles, where the children are loved, challenged, and held accountable for becoming the best they can be, society flourishes. Family coaching differs from counseling. In coaching, we focus our energy on the here and now and how to make the future better. History is only used to learn from, not to dwell in.

Source: http://www.lovingyourchild.com/2010/07/parents-kids-blind-spots/